Review contains spoilers
So, I just saw the new big superhero movie that everyone hates annnnnnd…. I hated it too! Wow, what a shock. How could acclaimed film maker Zack Snyder, director of such classics as Teenage Boy Fantasy: Ancient Greece Edition and Teenage Boy Fantasy: Pretty Girls Edition, fuck up a movie so badly?
It’s not like he has a history with bad comic book adaptations or anything! He has always created quality cinema! How could such a terrible thing happen to a film this big!
WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN SUCH TRAGEDY!?
In case you couldn’t tell, the previous paragraph was all absolutely biting sarcasm. Zack Snyder has a history of making movies that divide people. While it is true that I have not seen either of the previously mentioned films in their entirety, I have seen enough to gauge that Mr Snyder is not exactly the greatest film maker of our generation. I don’t think he’s a particularly terrible director. I actually quite enjoy his visual style; I just think he tends to make films that are rather… low brow. Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does tend to mean that his works often contain a lot of similar elements. They are all heavy on action and SERIOUSNESS, and low on good writing and well-developed characters. Batman V Superman is no exception to this with its big set pieces and “epic” speeches. Unfortunately for it, it also has to deal with setting up the new DC universe so Warner Brothers can catch up to Marvel and make that superhero monaaaaaay.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG????
Well, firstly, the plot can. The plot of this film is entertainingly stupid at its best and utterly undecipherable at its worst. As a consequence of being a setup for the next billion DC films the movie completely collapses under its own weight, with the various different characters and concepts that are introduced throughout the movie getting little to no explanation, and if it did, the film will probably end up contradicted that explanation at some point. For example, Lex Luthor. Why did he hate Superman so much? I don’t know! Why did Batman suddenly decide that he no longer hated Superman because Superman’s Mum was dying, even though Superman was responsible for the deaths of thousands of people in Metropolis, which is Batman’s MAIN REASON FOR FIGHTING SUPERMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE?
I DON’T KNOW.
I could try to describe the actual plot of the film to you, but as I could not understand what the living fuck was going on throughout most of the film, I am unable to provide a better plot synopsis than “Words are said and things explode.” And I am not a minority in this opinion. I saw this film with a group of friends and the amount of times that some variation on the phrase “what is going on?” was uttered throughout the film numbered somewhere in the hundreds. It might have been easier to understand had the film been two hours, rather than two and a half. But no, we have to force a fight with Doomsday, and we have to jam in introductions for a bunch of superheroes that won’t be relevant until another one these god forsaken movies come of, and than, at the very end of it all, we have to pretend like Superman is dead, only to bring him back at the literal last second.
That was all soooo necessary.
Thankfully, the movie was not without its positives. Namely, Ben Affleck as Batman. Despite the shitty material that he was given, Affleck pulled off a relatively convincing rendition of my favourite superhero. Even though his acting was often over the top, I really believed that he was The Caped Crusader. He was suitably angry and brooding, he looked the part, and he talked the part. I unfortunately cannot say the same for the other characters. Henry Cavill was perfectly bland as Superman, who continues to show that he could be a pretty good Superman if he was given a competent script. Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was atrocious. He was about as intimidating as a hyperactive child on sugar and about as interesting as a small twig with the word “INSANE” written on it. Again, this is not entirely the fault of Eisenberg, as he was also working with very bad material. At the very least he looks like he is enjoying himself, which is more than can be said for Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, who looks completely bored for the short period of time that she was shoehorned into the film. I could go on about the various failures of acting and writing in the movie, but then we may be here for several thousand words, so instead, let’s get onto the other positives of the film.
The music for the film was pretty great. It was composed by Hans Zimmer, who also did the Dark Knight movies, Interstellar, and Man of Steel. Like those soundtracks, it is made up of loud orchestral pieces that suit the tone of the film, which made it end up as the only part of the movie that I thought to be legitimately “epic”.
Like I said before, I quite enjoy Zack Snyder’s testosterone filled visual style, even if it is rather silly. The film is no visual masterpiece, but, excluding the final action scene, which is ruined by the bad CGI on Doomsday, the film looks pretty cool.
Now, with all the ranting I have done, do I think you should watch Batman V Superman?
The movie may be a total train wreck, but is a blast to watch with friends. It’s incredibly easy to make fun of, making it a great hate watch. I don’t know if you should actually support the movie, as it does really suck, but if you have some friends around and want to laugh at an overly serious piece of shit blockbuster, then this movie is sure to be on your favourite illegal download site in the very near future.
Unfortunately for the movie though, I am judging the film on what it was trying to do, not what it actually does, so I am forced to give Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, an overall grade of D, with a special “entertainingly bad” recommendation.
That concludes the rant ahem… “review”. Thank you for reading, and I shall see you in the next post.